The topic of whether to remain married often occurs for our clients on the cusp of the winter holidays. Those who want to start the divorce frequently struggle with sensations of guilt. It's bad enough that hopes and dreams for a long, healthy, happy family life are ending. Now the divorcee also has to stress about bringing sadness and worry to friends and extended family during a time of year that is supposed to be about bringing individuals together in joy.
Why Delay?
Even when couples have already decided to divorce, they will normally just begin the procedure after the holidays. Particularly when their children are young, the holiday season is supposed to be magical. Delaying a divorce for after the holidays holds at bay the guilt of interrupting the kids' happiness. There is likewise the hope that the return to a routine school schedule after New Year's will provide a proper diversion for the kids once the divorce and child custody procedure get underway.
In spite of all these seemingly sound factors for holding off, divorce's reality slap-in-the-face is constantly going to be there. Though it's hard to fault a couple for hoping that perhaps the holidays can rescue a dying relationship, the reality is that the holiday season in and of themselves cannot repair a broken relationship. Think about the negatives:
1. Can you actually fake a pleased, civil marriage during holiday gatherings with pals, family, and coworkers? It often seems this season can bring an infinite parade of parties, work gatherings and journeys to see extended family. If your spouse's worst characteristics come out throughout this time of stress, or you understand it will be impossible to stay civil to one another at seasonal occasions, it may be much better to file your divorce papers before the holiday madness starts.
2. Is this better for your children? The most prevalent reason for staying together throughout the holidays is so children can celebrate the holidays with their moms and dads together under the same roof. However, when you announce your divorce in January, it's pretty clear to everyone that you were merely biding your time (after all, there's a reason that it's nicknamed Divorce Season). That awareness can make your kids feel as though the previous holiday was a farce and they might question exactly what else you tricked them about.
3. Is waiting truly the best option for you? Everyone understands the holidays can be demanding. Lots of individuals for that reason wish to wait until things cool down prior to submitting for divorce. Nevertheless, the holidays are a time of gathering. And even if there is nothing prepared, this is a time when individuals have the tendency to be offered and may be able to rally to support a person reeling from the realization that their marriage is over.
How to Break the News
The fact of the matter is that there is no perfect time to broach the topic of divorce. There will always be a birthday, an anniversary, a graduation or a major vacation just around the corner. Worry less about what is coming and focus more on the specifics of the discussion:
- DO be clear about your intent and your timeline.
- DO allow your spouse time to sort through their feelings and space to respond without being defensive.
- DO deliver the news with a therapist's assistance, if needed.
- DO be kind. There is absolutely nothing to be bettered by adding fuel to the fire.
